REPORT CARD / T.J. SIMERS : Letters of Praise Arrive

A: QUARTERBACKS

Idaho Kid’s best thing going here, but team’s marketing department gives each fan entering stadium pack of trading cards--complete with pic of Billy Joe Tolliver.

B: RUNNING BACKS

Like the return of Eliot Ness, Marion Butts is back and beating on the bad guys. There’s still one Unsolved Mystery: Why are the Chargers hiding Eric Bieniemy?

A: RECEIVERS

Anthony Miller gets head start on Brian Davis and is caught from behind. That’s like Mister Ed running down Secretariat at the wire. Check their pulses; only 2 dropped passes.

B: OFFENSIVE LINE

Did Leslie O’Neal throw lugs up against locker at halftime? Seahawks press Friesz to the turf 3 times in first half, but are closer to Jamul than Friesz in second half.

B: DEFENSIVE LINE

Linebackers and defensive backs rack up the sacks, but Joe Phillips and cast of nobodies makes dog food of Ground Chuck. Someone said they saw George Thornton in the game.

A: LINEBACKERS

It’s been five wedding anniversaries, two babies & a third on the way since Gary Plummer last got a sack. That was no earthquake; that was Junior Seau hitting Tommy Kane senseless.

F: DEFENSIVE BACKS

Siskel & Ebert report that “All I Want For Christmas” is the story of little Ronnie Lynn who asks Santa to find him some defensive backs who aren’t stiffs. Too bad: That leaves Donald Frank out.

A: SPECIAL TEAMS

Jubilant players should have hoisted deep-snapper sub Frank Cornish to their shoulders. Kitrick Taylor punt return is play of game until John Carney makes like Popeye.

A: COACHING

Never a doubt.