Punch Lines

Many unhappy returns: You know you’ve hired the wrong guy to prepare your taxes, says Charlie Reinke, if he tells you . . .

* There will be a slight delay because his abacus is being repaired.

* It’s OK to claim Kato Kaelin and Bambi over on Sunset Boulevard as dependents.

* If you’re audited, he’ll send you a good luck card from the Bahamas.

* If you don’t have enough deductions, he’ll make some up.

* He thought an IRA account was the tab you kept at a Jewish deli.

* Not to worry--this dyslexia thing just comes and goes.

* You’ll have to use the long form because you had penile enlargement surgery.

* That business is sort of slow since he lost the “freemen” account.

* His motto is “Don’t Cheat on Your Taxes--Leave It to a Pro.”

Says Jenny Church, “Instead of simplifying those complicated tax forms, the IRS could just issue secret decoder rings.”

Bob Mills: “Today the Feds extract that pound of flesh you already paid Jenny Craig to get rid of.”

Alex Pearlstein: “Plastic surgeons in Beverly Hills are offering a special discount today: 25% for everyone who comes in and asks for an extension.”

Alan Ray: “Those who lie and cheat the federal government usually know their fate. Chances are good they’ll be reelected.”

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In the news: President Clinton is going to appear in a TV movie about a child whose dying wish is to meet the president. Says Steve Tatham, “After that, he’s going to appear in a months-long TV series with Bob Dole, about an old man whose dying wish is to be the president.”

It’s less than a week until the NFL pro football draft. Says Joe Vogel, “Just out of habit, Clinton has scheduled a trip to Oxford.”

One California state legislator says another took TV sets and other electronics from his Capitol office. Says Church, “The accused indignantly replied, ‘It’s not theft, it’s privatization.’ ”

Layoffs at Kellogg’s have left employees demoralized, says Paul Ryan. “Reporters asked Tony the Tiger what he really thinks of Frosted Flakes and he said, ‘They’re OK.’ ”

Police in Glendale tracked down a murder suspect through a bridal registry. Asks Church, “What, was he running a napkin ring?”

Scientists have isolated a gene that appears to control the symptoms of aging. Says Mills, “It’s triggered by ‘early bird’ dinners and too many episodes of ‘Murder, She Wrote.’ ”

* Adds Alex Kaseberg, “Genes that cause aging? They were hanging in Keith Richards’ closet.”

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Reader Nan Wolfe of Northridge was supervising snack time at a preschool when one little boy announced, “My brother has chickenpox.” Not to be outdone, a classmate held up her snack and retorted:

“So what? I have cheese puffs.”