Pirates of P.C. Sail Against Tide of Inequity

Six Flags Magic Mountain has its Batman ride as well as its Batman Forever Stunt Show. The much-hyped Superman roller coaster is on its way.

A Wonder Woman ride, however, is not even on the drawing board.

The male of the species is also celebrated at Universal Studios. Consider the amphibious hero of “Waterworld,” the firefighters of “Backdraft,” the eccentric inventor of “Back to the Future.”

Even at theme parks, there’s a glass ceiling of sorts. Mickey Mouse is a huge global star, Minnie just a bit player. Loony Tunes characters roam Magic Mountain. Quick: Name the female equivalent to Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Elmer Fudd, Porky Pig and Yosemite Sam. (Bugs in drag doesn’t count.)

These historic inequities come to mind for a reason. Pirates of the Caribbean, the venerable Disneyland attraction that has delighted millions, will be shut down Monday for two months of modernization. When it reopens in March, the updated ride will be known as Politically Correct Pirates of the Caribbean.

But not officially.

Disney, as you may have heard, is cleaning up the pirates’ act. No longer will the buccaneers be depicted as leering, lust-crazed louts who chase frightened women. No longer will their activities suggest the potential for rape. The new, improved P.C. pirates will be depicted engaged in nothing more controversial than a feast. Their vice will be downgraded to gluttony.

Many people, particularly feminists, must think the change is long overdue. Among the reaction in news accounts was this from UC Irvine professor Judy Rosener: “Chasing women may be entertaining to men but not to women. And just because pirates did such things doesn’t mean Disney has to depict it. We can be entertaining without being offensive.”

Others may note that it is difficult to entertain without offending somebody. Rosener, according to the City News Service, “wondered if the gluttony scenes would offend vegans.”

At any rate, the moral and political analysis of Pirates of the Caribbean must be making many people just sigh and roll their eyes. Those of us who remember Pirates fondly from childhood and have revisited it over the years may feel a twinge of nostalgia; the fact that the ride had changed so little since the late ‘60s is part of its charm. And, come to think of it, we might quickly note that those pirates-chasing-women scenes are, after all, just a setup for the punch-line scene in which a lusty woman chases a frightened pirate. Fair is fair, right?

Well, not quite. Critics of Pirates may seem severe, but there’s no denying that comedy is a pitiless enterprise. That’s why the woman who chases the pirate is so hefty. Fat has been funny for a long time. It’s cruel but true. So Disney’s sin wasn’t just one of sexism, but looksism.

What’s really surprising about the sanitizing of Pirates isn’t the fact that it’s happening, but that it hadn’t happened long ago. Remember, Disney rewrote lyrics to the “Aladdin” theme to address criticism from the Arab community. In fact, it’s a wonder that Disney, being such a politically sensitive purveyor of good clean fun, would have decided to portray murderous thieves as lovably irrepressible rascals the first place.

The ride opened in 1967, when the women’s movement was young and had larger concerns than make-believe pirates chasing make-believe damsels-in-distress. Can you imagine Disney building such an attraction in this day and age? I can’t--not unless they came out with an animated adventure first, something in which good and evil are clearly defined. Those who sing, “Yo-ho, yo-ho, a pirate’s life for me!” would surely get their comeuppance in the end. Or perhaps seek redemption.

Then again, maybe it’s the nastiness and decadence of Pirates that made it one of Disney’s most popular attractions. After strolling through Main Street USA, it’s fun to descend into a dark underworld.

When I sought reaction to Disney’s announcement, Universal Studios spokesman Javier Mendoza and Magic Mountain spokesman Palmer Moody were understandably reluctant to discuss their august rival. Their own attractions, they assured me, haven’t encountered similar criticism, though some people suspect the Jurassic Park ride unfairly exploits unfounded dinosaur stereotypes.

But even casual observers can see that women are both underrepresented and generally exist as second-class citizens, such as Frankenstein’s bride at Universal Studios and Porky Pig’s main squeeze, Petunia Pig. There are some exceptions, such as the Marilyn Monroe look-alike who strolls through Universal Studios. And at Magic Mountain, the Granny Grand Prix jalopy ride is named in honor of the Loony Tunes character Granny. She may be best known as the owner of Tweety Bird, whose sex is anybody’s guess.

Many minutes of research have thus convinced your correspondent that Disney’s decision to edit Pirates of the Caribbean is an isolated incident and not the start of a trend that will sweep America’s theme parks.

Those of us who have been charmed by Pirates in the past can at least offer suggestions for improving this attraction.

For one thing, please allow the scalawags to share their feast with the wenches they’ve chased for 30 years. It would be nice to think all that effort has paid off--and that once the women get to know the pirates, they’d see that they’re really not such bad guys after all, just misunderstood.

For another, make one of the pirates look like Michael Ovitz.

Scott Harris’ column appears Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays. Readers may write to Harris at the Times Valley Edition, 20000 Prairie St., Chatsworth, CA. 91311. Please include a phone number.