Of L.A. I sing:When we heard that...

Of L.A. I sing:

When we heard that songwriter Kevin Mitchell had come out with the “Songwriters’ Rhyming Dictionary,” containing some 15,000 entries, we figured we’d finally find the answer to one of the music world’s oldest mysteries:

What rhymes with “Los Angeles”?

The answer has bedeviled writers trying to write a hymn to the City of Angels (which ain’t so easy to rhyme either). Most have used variants of “L.A.” (as in the classic, “I Left My Liver in the L.A. River”).

Alas, when we contacted Mitchell, who works for a Van Nuys publishing house, he admitted his book gave no clues. “I’m going to be tossing and turning in my sleep tonight,” he said.

“Ask your readers for help,” he added. “If they can find some words that rhyme [with Los Angeles], I’ll put them in the revised edition of the book. I’m on a mission now.”

Actually, there has been at least one attempt. The book, “American Musical Theatre,” notes that “The Rose of China,” was a flop in 1919 but quotes a critic who said that the Broadway show was responsible for “the greatest single achievement of its kind this season--[the] rhyming of ‘Los Angeles’ and ‘man jealous.’ ”

IF I CAN FAKE IT HERE. . . . Speaking of L.A. songs, Mitchell consulted his dictionary to create this parody of “New York, New York.”

Start tellin’ my muse--inflate my resume

I’m going to soon depart for it, L.A, L.A.

Those mega-blond dudes are going to say

I’m too darn smart and too unfit for L.A., L.A.

I want to wake up in a city that never keeps

Its promises and has streets that they don’t sweep.

These Big Apple hues, all seem so gray

“I see walls in mauve and puce,” says my decorator Jose.

After all, my off-Broadway plays aren’t seen in Ecuador.

Now I want to write sitcoms starring Paulie Shore.

And it has a rousing finish:

If I can fake it there I can fake it everywhere

It’s up to you, L.A.! L.A.!

SONGBIRDS, THEY AREN’T: If you’re like us, and hate it when your food talks back to you in restaurants, be vigilant. You never know when you might run into a crying chicken, as DeWayne Johnson did in Northridge, or an arrogant bird, as we did in downtown L.A. (see accompanying).

THE BIG FAMILIES CAN BE A PROBLEM: James Barrett noticed that a sign on the window of a maternity supplies store in Santa Monica said, “Breastfeeding.” In smaller letters underneath, it added, “No Dogs.”

SQUEEZING INTO A ROLE: Writer Hugh Ryono spent a couple of days last summer as an extra on the coming movie, “Starship Troopers,” the story of a manned expedition to a planet threatened by a race of giant insects.

“I struck up a conversation with one of the young actresses whose minor part in the movie was her first,” he said.

“She proudly talked about her drama classes in high school, her theater and dance courses at a prestigious college, and her voice coach at an expensive acting school.

“ ‘So what got you this part in the movie?’ I asked.

“ ‘I fitted into the costume,’ she said sheepishly. She had won the part because she fit one of the sizes in Wardrobe.”

L.A.! L.A.!

miscelLAny:

A sign at the Superkids Fun Factory in Westminster warns that one of the activities prohibited on the merry-go-round is “horseplay.”