Lighten Up, Ted, You’re No Paragon of Virtue, Either

Downey’s California:

--Ted Turner, the man who owns, I believe, the Southeastern United States, is telling people that his archrival, Rupert Murdoch, might have difficulty buying the Dodgers, if more owners such as himself refuse to vote for him.

Turner challenges the family values of Murdoch, pointing out that Rupert’s rag of a tabloid in Europe runs photographs of scantily clad women, thus making Murdoch a man of questionable character to be accepted into a family game such as baseball.

Obviously, the owner of the Atlanta Braves feels strongly that baseball is better off with men of integrity, men whose teams demean American Indians, so that fans can wave foam-rubber tomahawks, wear war paint and mock sacred tribal chants.

Turner can confirm this with his fellow owner of family values, the one who runs the Cleveland franchise. Perhaps he could order a supply of those hilarious caps with the grinning Indian above the bill.

Or, Turner can check with his sister owner of family values, the one who runs the Cincinnati franchise. He could ask if she has found any more of those Nazi swastikas from her personal home shopping network of Third Reich memorabilia.

Or, Turner can call up another fellow owner, the one who runs one of New York’s franchises. They could discuss the fine family values this owner has always shown, between suspensions.

In vowing to vote against Murdoch and wondering if other owners would do the same, Turner mentions the Australian media mogul in the same breath as Larry Flynt. Flynt is the owner of Hustler magazine. Murdoch is the owner of Fox television and TV Guide.

Oh, and by the way:

The current issue of TV Guide lists most of the films being broadcast this week, among them such family pictures as “Alien,” in which a monster erupts from inside a man’s chest; “The Dead Zone,” in which a man with supernatural powers attempts to assassinate a political candidate, and “Razorback,” a film (from Australia) about a man-eating hog. These family films are on TNT. I forget, what does that first “T” in TNT stand for again?

You know, Turner probably doesn’t pick those pictures personally. You know what else? Murdoch probably doesn’t pick those women’s photographs personally.

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--NASCAR is back in Southern California. Ah, I love the smell of gas and burning rubber in the morning. It smells like victory.

--I drove a Pontiac once, but it wouldn’t do 183 miles per hour. In fact, it wouldn’t do 183 miles.

--California auto races take longer, because drivers have to stop for those darn smog-emission tests.

--The least we can do out here is let NASCAR use convertibles.

--Well, the motto of the new women’s NBA is: “We Got Next.” Raise your hand if you don’t understand what in the hell they’re talking about.

--I still think L.A.’s team should have male cheerleaders, and call them the Spark Boys.

--Going into this weekend’s games, Andres Galarraga of the Colorado Rockies had more runs batted in (77) than Mike Piazza and Eric Karros of the Dodgers did combined (72). Holy Galarraga, Batman.

--Muggsy Bogues, 5 feet 3, says the NBA Charlotte Hornets are trying to force him to retire. This is a clear case of short-people discrimination.

--I have heard of several of the players playing Wimbledon this summer.

--Five more NHL draft choices and the Kings will have themselves a starting lineup.

--Dominik Hasek was just named his league’s most valuable player. He owes it all to his supporting cast, whoever they are.

--Dino Radja has been traded by the Boston Celtics to the Philadelphia 76ers. Once upon a time, a player would have enjoyed being on either team.