2 Gurus, Different Mountaintops

Walk into any bookstore in America, head for the psychology section, and there, shelved side by side--until sales do them part--you’ll find two of the gurus of marriage and relationships, John Gottman, PhD, and John Gray, PhD.

Gottman, a professor of psychology at the University of Washington, virtually invented the science of observing how people behave within relationships. From groans and grimaces we scarcely notice, Gottman can predict the likelihood of marital bliss with almost frightening accuracy. He’s a prolific writer, but most of his work appears in scholarly journals. A few years ago, he penned a book for nonprofessionals, “Why Marriages Succeed or Fail” (Simon & Schuster). It sells respectably.

But Gottman’s royalty checks pale next to those of Gray, who at last count had sold 10 million copies of “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” (HarperCollins) and its four sequels. His latest effort is “Mars and Venus on a Date”--hey, why restrict a hot concept to married folks? Or even adults: Gray is already developing a Mars-Venus approach to raising kids.

Of course, we haven’t even talked about Gray’s audiotapes and videos. Or his one-man show on Broadway earlier this year. The Celebrity Line cruises. CD-ROMs. Seminars. A recent prime-time television special. And the first franchise deal to hit psychotherapy: for a few thousand dollars, plus a yearly renewal fee, you too can buy the right to call your therapy practice a “Mars & Venus Counseling Center.” Lack the appropriate professional credentials? So does Gray, who isn’t licensed to practice psychology but is allowed to work as a “spiritual counselor” in California because of a nine-year stint as a monk.

In a nutshell: Gottman is the gold standard while Gray is the gold earner.

John Gottman and John Gray, side by side. The placement invites--nay, demands--a comparison of the two. How does their information and advice stack up? The short answer is that Gottman creates top psychology, while Gray mines pop psychology (or “poop psychology,” in the words of one Psychology Today reader).

We’ve compiled a handy crib sheet from their writings and sayings. Judge for yourself.

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A Tale of Two Relationship Gurus

ISSUE: Academic credentials

GOTTMAN : PhD, University of Illinois

GRAY : PhD, by correspondence course, Columbia Pacific University (an unaccredited institution)

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ISSUE: License

GOTTMAN : Psychologist

GRAY : Driver

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ISSUE: Best-selling book

GOTTMAN : “Why Marriages Succeed” (55,000 copies sold)

GRAY : “Men Are From Mars” (6 million and counting)

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ISSUE: Number of journal articles written

GOTTMAN : 109

GRAY : 0

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ISSUE: Academic research

GOTTMAN : Naturalistic observation of couples living in apartment laboratory, physiological monitoring

GRAY : None

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ISSUE: Number of couples formally studied

GOTTMAN : 760

GRAY : 0

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ISSUE: Cardinal rule of relationships

GOTTMAN : What people think they do in relationships and what they actually do are two different things

GRAY : Men and women are different

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ISSUE: Defining statement

GOTTMAN : It’s the everyday, mindless moments that are the basis of romance in marriage

GRAY : Before 1950, men were men, and women were women

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ISSUE: What makes marriage work

GOTTMAN : Making mental maps of each other’s world

GRAY : Heeding gender stereotypes

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ISSUE: What makes marriages fail

GOTTMAN : Heeding gender stereotypes; reactions to stress

GRAY : Gender differences in communication style

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ISSUE: Relationship heroes

GOTTMAN : Men who put the toilet seat down

GRAY : Men who escape to their “cave”

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ISSUE: Key gender difference

GOTTMAN : Men’s and women’s bodies respond differently when negative emotions become intense

GRAY : Women talk too much about feelings

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ISSUE: Basic reason for marital conflict

GOTTMAN : It’s virtually inevitable between two people

GRAY : She hates Super Bowl Sunday

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ISSUE: Men’s biggest mistake

GOTTMAN : Failing to take a deep breath during conflict

GRAY : Trying to solve her problems

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ISSUE: Women’s biggest mistake

GOTTMAN : Stating complaints as criticisms

GRAY : Giving advice

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ISSUE: Why men don’t help out at home

GOTTMAN : They weren’t trained to notice domestic concerns

GRAY : They give their all at the office

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ISSUE: What the Johns say about each other

GOTTMAN : “I envy his financial success.”

GRAY : “John who?”

Reprinted with permission from Psychology Today, November/December 1997.