Hello to ‘99--With Aspirin in Hand

I did a little research on 1899, just to see what--if anything--was happening that year. It was the end of the 1800s. What were Americans doing in ‘99? What were they talking about? What world crises were there? What newfangled products did they buy in ‘99? What was the buzz leading up to ‘00?

Well, ’99 was kind of a bore, if you ask me.

Nothing very earthshaking.

A couple of German researchers began to market a drug called acetylsalicylic acid, also known as aspirin.

U.S. troops fought Filipino soldiers near Manila.

U.S. automobile production hit an all-time high--2,500.

Paul Gauguin exhibited a new painting, “Two Tahitian Women.”

And they finally bottled Coca-Cola, a fountain drink introduced in 1891, originally advertised as a “Wonderful Nerve and Brain Tonic and Remarkable Therapeutic Agent.”

This was, of course, long before Coke came up with its popular diet brain tonic.

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With 1999 here and 2000 near, I know everybody is anxious over what will happen next. (I need acetylsalicylic acid tablets just thinking about it.)

What will happen to us?

Will we be hit by a comet or an asteroid, as envisioned in the films “Deep Impact” and “Armageddon”?

Will we wake up one day and find that our world has been ravaged by fire, flood, famine, nuclear attack, giant insects or Regis and Kathie Lee?

Will life become so empty that we abandon all hope and prayer and begin voting for professional wrestlers?

Inquiring minds want to know. But I want to know NOW.

At first I intended to consult a psychic. Psychics are quite popular. I see them on late-night TV all the time. But then I remembered something pretty important. Psychics are knuckleheads. I’d rather consult a groundhog than a psychic. I’m not sure a psychic could predict which day follows Friday and Saturday.

So I’ll just predict 1999 myself:

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JANUARY--Six prominent Republicans admit to having affairs with Betsy Ross. A White House tape catches President Clinton secretly giving Monica Lewinsky a bag of Gummi Bears. Minnesota wins the Super Bowl, thrashing the New York Jets. The governor of Minnesota wins a wager on the game and gets to thrash the governors of New Jersey and New York.

FEBRUARY--Larry Flynt claims that he has pictures of Sen. Jesse Helms and the Ross woman. The president tells a TV audience, “I did not eat Gummi Bears with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky.” A Senate vote impeaches Clinton 71 to 29, beating the Las Vegas spread.

MARCH--A nationwide poll reports that 67% of all Americans believe that First Lady Tipper Gore sang the song “It’s My Party.”

APRIL--Ted Turner announces his 2000 candidacy for the presidency. Jane Fonda confirms that she will campaign with her husband, often in a very nice leotard.

MAY--President Gore’s aides unveil his campaign slogan: “Ten More Years.” Ross Perot announces in a funny hat that he will run for emperor.

JUNE--Dan Quayle says he still doesn’t understand why Bill Clinton ordered our missiles last December to attack Iowa. “I don’t get it. Isn’t Iowa one of our own major cities?” he asks, while wearing a QUAYLE FOR PREZIDENT campaign pin.

JULY--In Hollywood, major studios begin filming on six more films about cartoon bugs, six more films in which Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan find each other in the final scene and maybe 10 or 12 more films about runner Steve Prefontaine.

AUGUST--The U.S. Mint reveals its new $10 bill, which is 20 inches long and features a picture of supermodel Cindy Crawford.

SEPTEMBER--In something of a surprise, the Los Angeles Dodgers trade 25 top players to another team for a cow and a bag of magic beans. Owner Rupert Murdoch insists that fans at Qantas Stadium will soon accept the many Dodger changes, including the red pants and yellow shoes.

OCTOBER--The new 2000 model automobiles are made available, including the exciting Corvette minivan and a radically redesigned Volkswagen with the engine inside the glove compartment.

NOVEMBER--Dan Quayle has a sleepless night awaiting election results, until informed that the election is not for another year.

DECEMBER--Mere days before the year 2000, scientists discover that a comet is indeed headed for Earth. But this is not considered a problem as long as it only hits the East Coast.

Mike Downey’s column appears Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Write to him at Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles 90053. E-mail: [email protected]