THE GLUTTON

The Glutton hates Thanksgiving. If she could, she’d put a bullet through its heart, then gently explain to America that Thanksgiving has gone to a better place, just like Grandma.

From a strictly culinary perspective, turkey is just drier, blander chicken; stuffing is too stiff to be gruel, too mushy to be croutons; sweet potatoes are only edible as fries; and pumpkin is hardly worth making into pie.

In the Glutton’s fantasy, she’d skip the tryptophan fest and gorge herself on L.A.’s best takeout while watching a “Law & Order: SVU” marathon.

Starters: plantains from Loteria in the Farmers Market, grilled cheese sandwiches from the Miracle Mile’s Campanile; bacon from Square One in Hollywood; dim sum from Monterey Park’s NBC Seafood.

Soups: French onion soup from Mid-City West’s Doughboys; matzo ball soup from Nate ‘n Al’s in Beverly Hills; chicken pho from Pho 79 in Westminster.

Entrees: moules et frites from Hollywood’s Cafe des Artistes; tamales from Mama’s Hot Tamales Cafe in MacArthur Park; lobster rolls from Hollywood’s Hungry Cat; bulgogi from Soot Bull Jeep in Koreatown; lobster ravioli from Santa Monica’s Fritto Misto; barbecued ribs from JR’s in Culver City.

Dessert: cream puffs from Beard Papa’s; molten chocolate cake from Mid-City West’s Susina; dark chocolate gelato from Pazzo Gelato in Silver Lake; ginger maple cupcakes from Beverly Hills’ Sprinkles.

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